(Argument is that teaching STEAM would be an inefficient use of student’s time)
Despite the fact that STEAM education is a waste of time, many would argue that that time spent is worth it. Some, such as the skilled cellist Yo-Yo Ma, may say that, “We are addressing the same issue with different names attached to them. STEAM will help us get there by resolving the education problem. Kids will then go to school because it is a passion and a privilege, not a requirement.” Essentially, integrating arts into students’ education would make them care more about what they’re learning, and make them more happy to be in school. He has a good point; for the students that are passionate about art, STEAM would definitely make school a better experience for them. However, this integration would be detrimental to students that do not like or want to focus on art. For these students, STEAM would just mean more required classes that they don’t want to be in
I think you do a great job of introducing both Yo-Yo Ma and the idea of adding art to school systems. You do not address your real argument until the end of the paragraph, so I think if you were to elaborate on your opinion a little more it would strengthen your argument a lot because you already have a good base with the idea of STEM and STEAM.