Old paragraph:
Some people even believe that it would be beneficial to integrate a “STEAM” education into schools. A STEAM education would be the average STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) education that most high school and college students receive, but with added arts classes. Some go as far to say that “STEAM will help us get there by resolving the education problem. Kids will then go to school because it is a passion, not a requirement.” (Yo-Yo Ma) STEAM in public schools would certainly help to foster empathy in students and make some of them more excited to go to school. For students that enjoy art, art classes in their high school curriculum would make them happier to go to school. However, the precious time and energy of students must be considered if this were to ever be implemented into required college classes. For students that don’t enjoy art and don’t absolutely require it for their future job, required art classes would just mean less electives, less time, and higher tuition. These extra classes may even make students less passionate about school, as they now have more classes about topics that don’t interest them. Art classes may help students’ understanding of the world and empathy, but it should by no means be a required part of their curriculum, as it won’t be required for most students’ future employment.
New paragraph:
The true combination of these two disciplines would be a STEAM education – Science, Technology, Engineering, Art, and Math. In his essay, “Necessary Edges: Arts, Empathy, and Education” Yo-Yo Ma discusses the possibility of a STEAM education, “The arts teach us that there is something that connects us all and is bigger than each of us. In both places it is a matter of equilibrium, of centering the ego at the right point of balance between the individual and the community. We are all addressing the same issues with different names attached to them. STEAM will help us get there by resolving the education problem. Kids will then go to school because it is a passion and a privilege, not a requirement.” Essentially, an arts education should be required for STEM majors, because it fosters empathy and understanding of the world. While I do agree that arts classes would be beneficial to all people, regardless of major, and may even make some enjoy school more, I’m not sure if a STEAM education is what’s best for all students. Students’ time is a finite resource, and any change to the curriculum has to reflect that. Therefore, I curriculum that integrates art would likely have to add more art classes. This means either taking away classes that people need to be competent in their field, or taking away opportunities for a minor or double major. Also, while having art classes may make some students more enthusiastic about school, not all students care about or like art. For them, art classes would just be another class they dread taking. Although a STEAM education for students is a wonderful idea, it just isn’t feasible to implement it in all cases.
The chapter from They Say I Say I chose to read was fourteen, “What’s motivating the writer?”. Some parts of this chapter helped me think about engaging more directly with the quotes and sources that I chose to include in my essay. For my revised paragraph, I tried to explain Ma’s point more and argue with it more directly, instead of stating generally what I thought.
Nice job!